I am the Storm.
Getting a tattoo has been on my bucket list for years, and in all honesty, I’ve never been quite ready, unsure about what I would get and if I could stand the pain. If it weren’t for the fact that I despise needles and sometimes faint at the sight of blood, I would have loved to have become a nurse, but alas, here we are. About a month ago, a few of my closest friends started talking about getting tattoos, and the timing just felt right.
After my niece passed away four years ago, the most amazing thing happened when a red admiral butterfly landed on my shoulder, my sister’s nose, and my brother-in-law’s hand. It was one of the most incredible things I have ever witnessed, and if I hadn’t seen it with my own two eyes, I don’t know that I would have believed it. This butterfly stuck around for nearly 45 minutes, instilling a small ray of hope and a huge lasting impact on our family, who was in the desperate trenches of grieving Ellie’s passing.
For that reason, I knew that I always wanted something with a butterfly as a reminder of her. I remember talking about getting matching tattoos with my mom and sisters in the months after Ellie’s passing, but it just never really came together, and if I’m being honest, I think for me, the idea was to cover up my pain with more pain. Maybe that’s why I never pulled the trigger on it, and I’m glad I waited. I had no idea that the last four years would bring so much pain, heartbreak, growth, self-reflection, and intense work on myself as a human, and what I would have gotten back then was so different than what I chose today. Four days leading up to our appointment, I still didn’t know what I was going to get.
Now, there’s procrastination, and then there’s just pure insanity - and I was clearly leaning towards the latter as I was getting ready to tattoo something on my body that would be there for the rest of my life in a matter of days, and didn’t know what it would be. I had toyed with the idea of getting a tattoo of a little girl in the middle of a huge tornado, as it often feels like a storm is raging when life hits the fan. So, I googled “girl in the middle of a tornado,” tattoos, and images of big, swirling tornadoes populated. I loved the meaning behind it, but it just didn’t feel right. Then, as I was perusing ideas on Pinterest, an image of one of my favorite quotes popped up. The Devil whispered in my ear, “You’re not strong enough to withstand the storm.” Today, I whispered in the Devil’s ear, “I am the storm.”
When I saw it, I knew that “I am the Storm” was exactly what I wanted. Life is going to continually throw us curveballs. It’s not a question of IF but a question of WHEN. The storms come and go. We are all tested beyond our limits. We anchor ourselves the best we can, holding on for dear life and doing whatever we have to do to keep the faith that it will all work out in the end.
Now, let’s be real here: having that kind of blind faith is really freaking hard. It’s difficult to believe in something you can’t see and to stay positive while the rain is coming down so hard that you can’t see even your hand in front of your face. I think we all struggle with that on some level. Wondering how a certain situation will work out and worrying about what’s to come on the other side of the storm, hoping and praying that the storm won’t destroy us.
So, I decided to open my Canva app and see what I could come up with, starting with a blank Instagram block. I typed in the words “I am the storm” and changed the fonts a few times, stumbling on a cursive one that was perfect. I wanted to incorporate a butterfly for Ellie, so I started looking through the element options and instantly knew when I found it.
It was subtle and dainty, yet incredibly powerful, and when I thought about the fact that this would be inked on my body for the rest of my life, it didn’t scare me; it inspired me.
The day of our tattoo appointment was a busy one. I had multiple meetings, a quick lunch with friends, an event at my kids’ school, and zero time to really think about it. I’m not super great at planning meals, so I shoved a protein bar in my purse, grabbed a bottle of water, and took off for the tattoo shop, not knowing what to expect. Sometimes, I operate better on the fly vs. trying to plan out every little detail, so I tried to be as chill about what would happen as humanly possible, hoping that would help in the long run. The tattoo shop we chose is only a few miles from my house, and I’ve passed it thousands of times while driving to the next sports event, meeting, or grocery store. For anyone in the Savage/Prior Lake, MN area - we went to Canvas Tattoo, and they were phenomenal.
Upon walking in, the woman at the front desk greeted me with a smile, took my ID card, printed off some paperwork to fill out, and pointed me to my friends sitting with our tattoo artist at the table. The process was fascinating, creative, and techy. Our artist, Travis, was a laid-back and reserved gentle giant, and he immediately put me at ease. I’m not an overly quiet person (shocking, I know), and he didn’t seem to bat an eye. We laughed, joked, and snuggled on each other, reassuring each other that we were all gonna do the damn thing and be just fine. We went through the art that we had emailed to Travis earlier in the week, and he dove into each one on his iPad with care and an eye for perfection. He made sure that the size, placement, and look of it were exactly what we wanted. He printed them off, and we cut them out, allowing us to get an idea of what it would look like on our skin.
So, I volunteered to go first because I was scared that if either of my friends had issues or if it was really bad, then I would chicken out and run for home. As Travis got everything cleaned, sanitized, and ready for my tattoo, I was a 50/50 mix of anxiety and excitement. I also threw out some awkward mom dance moves that would have embarrassed my children to their core as I tried to hype myself up. (Picture the running man paired with the macarena - yes, it was that bad)
IMPORTANT: I cannot stress how vital it was to be there with two of my closest friends. They know me exceptionally well, and I’m always at ease in their presence, which helped my nerves immensely.
Ok, so here’s how my brain works when it comes to stressful situations and planning for how to get through them: I always try to anticipate different coping tools/mechanisms that I can use in any given situation to help me stay calm and grounded. I’ve worked on these tools in therapy for years and have dozens to choose from, giving me a pretty decent accuracy of success. It's not a perfect process, but I’ve found some good options that work well for me. I planned to listen to the Spotify playlist of inspirational songs that have helped get me through the last four years of my life. My daughter also sent along her favorite fuzzy blanket to help bring me a little extra comfort. I had my water, chapstick, and a stomach full of knots, but I was as ready as I could be, so I sat down and bucked up. Travis cleaned my arm up and told me he was ready to go.
What ensued next was not anywhere in my plan of how I thought the night would go. The pain was definitely not the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life, but it was not enjoyable either. It felt exactly like what was happening to my skin - like someone was scraping a knife through it. Among the songs that I had downloaded, which ranged from “This is Me” from The Greatest Showman to “Girl on Fire by Alicia Keys, and then to “My Jesus” by Ann Wilson, paired with the fuzzy blanket next to my face, I felt like I had a pretty good plan.
I tried my best to morph myself into a different place so I could imagine my body somewhere else. I tried to listen to My Jesus and envisioned my daughter singing it at her voice recital last year as she galavanted across the stage, and I beamed with pride. I kept my eyes closed and felt myself smile. I kept breathing and tried to stay in that other world, but as hard as I tried to compartmentalize what was happening, it suddenly began to feel like the walls were closing in.
A wave of heat started to roll through my body, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to pass out or throw up. I put my hand up, and Travis stopped. My friends heard me ask for the garbage can, and one held it for me while the other put a ponytail in my hair, feeling the heat coming off my body.
You guys - it was SO WEIRD! I was doing just fine, and my body almost felt like it was going into shock. I was sweating profusely, breathing as best as I could, and just trying to stay coherent. Once the wave started to slowly evaporate and the heat began to leave, I opened my eyes, and my friends told me that my face was green, so of course, I had to snap a picture of myself. I really am a glutton for punishment these days, and I’m not even the least bit embarrassed to share this photo because it’s as real as it gets.
The nice woman at the front desk came over with chewable glucose tablets, suckers, and fruit snacks. I relayed to her that I had only eaten half of a protein bar before I came because I didn’t want to throw up. Boy, did my plan backfire. She comforted me and said that it’s common for people’s blood sugar to plummet when getting a tattoo, which is why they were so prepared with all of their supplies.
Now, I’ll be honest - my ego was a bit bruised, but hearing that it happens to a lot of people made me feel better about the fact that it happened to me, too. We began talking to Travis about my options: 1) I could stop and be done, 2) I could stop and come back and finish the rest of the tattoo at another time, 3) I could push through and finish the word '“storm,” as he was just finishing the “S,” 4) I could skip the butterfly for the day and come back later to get that part done, or 5) I could get back in the chair and get it done. I took a quick breather outside in the cold to help regulate my body temperature and reset. I didn’t feel rushed or pressured in the slightest bit. I took the time I needed, and when I was ready, I got back in the chair. The sugar intake was a huge help, and they assured me that the sugar drop rarely happens twice. At that point, the inspiration for my tattoo took over, so I put my big girl panties on and handled it.
This time, I decided that the songs weren’t distracting enough, and it would be better to try and talk to my friends in an effort to not think so much about the pain and what was happening. I had a line of suckers that I kept eating, which was also a helpful distraction, along with the fact that I was very close to being done. I just had to hold on for a few more minutes.
When Travis said it was done, I glanced at my arm and immediately broke down. An intense wave of emotions overcame me, and the reality of the past four years came to a head. It was one of the most powerful things I have ever done and a moment that will forever be etched in my heart and soul. I looked up at my friends, and they were crying with me. That was the icing on the cake. Being there with my girls, who held my hand, as well as the garbage can, made our bond that much stronger.
The finished product was beautiful—it was exactly what I had envisioned. I may have felt like I had just run a marathon, but I was also ready to take on the world. It’s funny how an experience like this can take you through so many different emotions and intensely push the limit of your mental and physical strength. I’m not sure I was entirely prepared for all of that, but it also made the accomplishment that much sweeter.
I’m so happy and elated to have this unique, incredibly important message and my sweet Elliefly with me as I continue through this crazy life. I’ve heard that tattoos are like childbirth; you eventually forget the pain and want to have more….but I think I’ll probably be the hand holder instead. That said, ask me in a few months, and who knows, my answer just might be different.
The below is NOT an exhaustive list by any means. If you’re planning to get a tattoo, make sure you do your research and due diligence. No two people’s experiences are the same, but here are my unsolicited tips for anyone thinking about getting one:
DO NOT get a tattoo on an empty stomach. Eat a balanced meal and drink plenty of water so you’re adequately hydrated.
Eat sugar before/during the session so your body can keep up with the possible sugar drop.
You have the option to take breaks during your session, so if you need it, take it. Get some fresh air, water, and sugar, and get back in the chair. Doing that is far more important than toughing it out and risking the passing out/puking thing. (For the record - I didn’t actually pass out or throw up - I just felt like I was going to :))
Come with multiple options for coping/distraction mechanisms: everyone will be different here, but music, a blanket, friends to talk to, meditation, watching a show/movie on your device, and eating a sucker, etc., are all things that might help. Multiple options are good here in case some don’t work like you thought it would.
Ensure that the location you choose and the artist you choose are a place and person you’re comfortable with. It made a world of difference for me, and I felt incredibly safe and cared for.
To round out this blog entry, I’ll leave you with this photo. The smiles say it all. A sense of accomplishment. Pride. Happiness. A beautiful friendship. A huge obstacle was overcome. And a reminder for me that when the storms come in life, I will feel the rain on my face, the thunder under my feet, and see the lightning flashing in my eyes, but I am strong enough to face the storm and battle it right back because, at the end of the day, I am the storm.
