You Don’t Have to Pretend
Power is an interesting dynamic in the human race. Power can mean many different things to many different people. For instance, teachers have the power to change student’s lives. Doctors have the power to heal different illnesses. Our brave military has the power to keep our country safe. Our city workers have the power to plow our streets and keep roads safe after a snowstorm. But who has the power to determine what is and what is not acceptable in our world? Is it the media? The government? Different groups or clubs? Perhaps. Everyone is absolutely entitled to their own opinion on this one, but I would argue that much of who determines and sets the tone for what is and what is not acceptable in our world is US as humans. We, as walking, breathing, living people, hold the power to create change. How we respond and support those around us plays a HUGE role in making societal and cultural change.
To me, getting and giving compliments is a really cool part of being human. It’s something that I love to do for others. Recognizing both the small AND the big things in others makes my heart happy; it’s just how I’m wired. And who doesn’t love receiving accolades for things they do or accomplish? It feels good. It lifts you up. It might even help you stand a little taller or feel a little brighter. That being said, giving a compliment is far easier for me than receiving one. I tend to underscore any accomplishments I’ve ever attained or compliments I’ve received. I’m not sure if having the attention on me made me feel uncomfortable or if I was simply not self-assured enough to be able to accept compliments of any kind. Or perhaps it’s the fact that I’ve never wanted to seem full of myself. I’d rather be humble and not seem boastful, even if internally, I am actually proud and excited for myself. For example, if someone told me they loved my shirt, I would respond with something like this: “Oh, it’s just an old shirt I just found in my closet,” or “I feel like it makes me look like I’m trying too hard.” Here’s another one: when someone tells me that I am a great writer, my response is sometimes, “Oh, I have no idea what I’m doing,” or “I have no business writing.” But why? Why do I do that? Not only is it disparaging and limiting the positive view I have of myself, but if that was always my response, the person giving the compliment might stop giving them. It can get frustrating when every compliment you give is never accepted in the way that it was intended.
About eight years ago, I met a fellow mom at our kid’s preschool. At first, it was just a saying hi in the hallway kind of friendship, but slowly, over the years, it turned into one of my very closest friendships. For a long time, when I would compliment her, she would undervalue herself. She would shrug off the compliment and minimize its importance, and I would do the exact same thing. One day, when she gave me a very meaningful compliment, and per usual, I shot it down. She immediately stopped me mid-sentence and sweetly asked me to accept the compliment and believe in the reality of it. Whoa. It was like a lightbulb went off in the moment. It felt so good not to shoot down a compliment and instead take it to heart. To let it sink in and, in essence, let it nourish my soul. From that point on, we’ve had a pact with each other where we hold each other accountable if one of us doesn’t accept a compliment and let it permeate instead of pushing it away. It took a very special friend to help me see that I’m not boasting by taking a compliment. That it’s okay to accept it and take it to heart. To allow others to express things that they love about me. And since then, I’ve tried really hard to accept compliments with grace. It’s still a work in progress, but if someone compliments my writing today, I’ll say something like, “Oh, thanks so much! I really love writing.” Instead of downplaying the compliment and possibly making the other person feel weird about it, accepting it instead, is both showing gratitude for their words and accepting that I am actually good at something. That said, if someone tries to give me a compliment about how clean my car is, I instantly know they are lying because my car is a freaking disaster, so in that case, I will not accept said compliment, obviously. :)
I digressed. Moving on! We all exchange “hellos” and “how’s the family” pleasantries on a daily basis. As we go about our daily lives, we have conversations with people at work, our kid’s activities, and the grocery store. So, I want you to think for a second about how you respond to those types of pleasantries. What is your typical response when someone asks how you are doing? If, in reality, your life is in shambles and you’re struggling to exist, do you simply reply with “I’m good, thanks,” or do you respond with the truth of how you’re doing? It’s a tough thing, I know, and I know there is a line here, but why do we as humans always feel the need to show others that we are ok, even if we are not? And at what point did it become unacceptable not to be ok? Don’t get me wrong here; I’ve found myself plenty of times saying that I’m good when, in reality, my mental health was completely shattered and in the gutter. I think part of it for me is not wanting to burden anyone else with my life struggles. But here's the thing: it’s really refreshing to be honest and to say how I’m actually doing. It’s not always awful, and it’s not always great. Most days, it’s somewhere in between. Giving a truthful response doesn’t mean that I have to go into a ton of detail about how I’m feeling, but it's 100% acceptable to give a response such as, “I’m having a tough day,” or “I’m hanging in there,” or even “Today sucks.” It happens to everyone! We all have good and bad days. And guess what I’ve seen happen as a result of my willingness to be honest with how I’m doing: others follow suit. When I am open and give an honest answer about how I’m doing, the people around me tend to let down their walls. It lays the groundwork for others to feel more comfortable with doing the same thing. Thus creating small but meaningful change.
How about this scenario: let’s say that you are talking to someone about something you’re struggling with. If the person you’re talking to has empathy for your situation and expresses their support for the fact that what you’re dealing with is hard, do you say something like, “Oh, it’s ok?” “it can always be worse,” or “It will be fine,” or do you allow yourself to give validation to the fact that what you’re going through IS hard? If life is tough, then there is nothing wrong with allowing yourself to acknowledge that it sucks right now. That in itself is so powerful. Instead of making your difficulties in life seem small, allow yourself to acknowledge when something is hard. You don’t have to dwell on whatever is happening forever or spill every single detail of your situation (unless you are very close with that person; otherwise, it might not be the right audience and….awkward!); just know it’s ok to give merit to the fact that you are struggling. Whatever you’re going through is valid. You don’t have to minimize it. Yes, there will always be someone who has it worse, but your feelings are also valid, and what you’re going through just plain sucks. It’s part of the human experience, and your honesty will contribute to important change within your circle and the broader world.
Honestly, I don’t know that I can even pinpoint when it happened, but somewhere along the way, we’ve gotten to the point where we, as humans, think that we need to be “perfect.” Does perfect even exist? I don’t think it does. I believe uniqueness exists. And it is ABUNDANT. Can you imagine how boring life would be if we were all the same? You don’t have to pretend to be anybody else. Be unapologetically you. And if you run into people who don’t like it, move on. Your people are out there. Life is too short to pretend to be someone you’re not. You also don’t have to do life alone…this is why other humans exist! And you sure as hell shouldn’t have to hide your true feelings when you are struggling. Tell them the truth the next time someone asks you how you’re doing. Life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes, it’s stormy, and the barometric pressure can take a toll. It becomes a bit easier to own wherever I’m at in life in those moments. To give an honest response, a human response. Give it a shot and watch how others around you start changing the way they answer this question. It will not only deepen your relationships but also allow you to be more of your true, authentic self, creating a more accepting realm of people around you and supporting the fact that you do not have to pretend. After all, we’re not robots - we’re human.
