This is 41.
This is 41. No filter, no excuses, no regrets. I vividly remember being at a 40th birthday party for a relative when I was a kid and thought to myself, “Wow, 40 is really old.” Many of the gifts given at this party were gag gifts that included Depends underwear, a cane with a horn and flashing lights, and insanely large glasses to help with failing eyesight. I turned 40 last year, and today I turned 41, and let me just tell you, although I do occasionally pee when I sneeze or jump on a trampoline, fall up the stairs, and use my +1 readers while I squint at the fine print, I have yet to purchase any of the other above-listed items. Shocking, I know :)
That said, the year between 40 and 41 was a big one for me. It was a year of growth, epiphanies, and becoming more and more at peace with who I have become and who I want to be. Birthdays have always brought about intense reflections for me. It’s a day that I have always set aside some time to think about where I’ve been and where I’m going, to celebrate the milestones, and to look forward to what will come in the next year. This year’s reflections are powerful, a little all over the place, full of growth, and it’s the first year that I’ve actually put all of my thoughts down on paper as a blog. The biggest epiphany is that I’ve come to realize that I’ll always be under construction. I’ll never be done learning, and I’ll never know everything that I want to know. I’m no longer working towards some unattainable finish line, killing myself to put a trophy on the shelf or a million bucks in my pocket'; I’m only working each day to be better than the last.
Reflecting on my past 41 years, here’s what I know so far:
My metabolism has changed A LOT. I used to house a large pizza in college and not gain a pound. Now, I just look at a donut and instantly gain 10. (Which really is a big problem because I like donuts. So dumb.)
I’ve lost a lot of people that I love and have grieved and hurt more than I ever thought I would. I have learned how to support others in deep grief and advocate for mental health resources.
I have built a small business that I love and a supportive family in the community I live in.
The bond I’ve built with my family and sisters is STRONG AF, and I am so grateful for them.
I have had some of the coolest, most beautiful conversations with random people - both young and old.
I laugh a lot. Mostly at inappropriate things like farts and poop because, obviously, I’m a child trapped in an adult’s body.
I am unafraid to share the realest, rawest parts of myself and am mostly comfortable in my own skin.
My relationship with alcohol has changed. I’d rather get a full night of sleep in my comfy mom pajamas and my sexy night guard than get hammered.
Marriage takes work. I have chosen the most amazing husband, and we have a great marriage (not perfect whatsoever) because we have both worked very hard to overcome various obstacles while continuing to love and support each other. We literally work on it every single day.
After attending four full years of therapy on a weekly basis, I have learned so much about myself, why I am the way I am, how to cope with life in healthy ways, and how to embrace the whole me—flaws and all.
I have learned a lot about how to choose healthy and supportive friendships and have the courage to end a friendship that is not meant for me anymore.
I still don’t like exercising, but if there’s an animal chasing after me or pizza at the finish line, I’ll at least give it a quick sprint.
I have learned how to stand up for myself and others and how to use my voice for good.
I have grown to love spending time in nature and relishing in the quietness of the breeze. (Until the bees come for my iced coffee, and then I’m out - why do they always have to ruin the moment?!)
Just because something presents itself doesn’t mean it’s meant for me.
Being a parent is way harder than I thought it would be. It’s my favorite job in the world, but I still second-guess many of my parenting decisions, hoping and praying that I’m not somehow messing them up.
I am a really good baker, but my cooking skills are still sub-par. :/ (Pinterest is really only 30% reliable for edible meals)
The older I get, it feels like time speeds up and goes faster. (Wasn’t I just 30 yesterday?! This is stupid.)
The desire to help everyone I meet is strong, but I’m learning how to set healthy boundaries, so I don’t completely forget that I have my own needs as a human.
I am still a horrible housewife, and my house is always messy. (Because we live here!)
Back pain and knee-popping are real things, and ibuprofen only goes so far.
Watching my kids do something they love is the most amazing feeling in the world.
Rest isn’t lazy - it’s the only way to recharge and reset, and it’s not something that has to be earned.
God truly wants the best for us, and keeping the faith is vital even when bad things happen.
I no longer want to be perfect; I just want to be me.
I really have no idea what the next 41 years will look like for me or if I’ll even live that long - but what I do know is that 41 is not scary. Not even a little bit. I have a lot more to learn. A lot more to accomplish. More people to help and more heartache that I know will inevitably come. But I am confident that my head is on straight, my eyes are wide open, and my heart is ready for whatever comes next. Bring it on 41.
